


no locked door is too much of a barrier for dave strider!

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Dorks, M/M, Masturbation, Meteorstuck, This is pretty cracky
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-16
Updated: 2017-05-16
Packaged: 2018-11-01 08:05:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10917744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: A locked door meanssomething, right?





	no locked door is too much of a barrier for dave strider!

**Author's Note:**

> Prompt was "a locked door", with dialogue only. From the HWDS.

"Hey yo Karkat. Can Town date was an entire half-hour ago, let's go."

"..."

"Dude what the fuck are you doing, even? You never lock your door."

"...later."

"...are you okay? That's like, the shortest response I've heard from you ever. No 'oh, go suck a bulge, Strider, and leave me the fuck alone to my trollrotica reading sessions'?"

"I said _later_ , Strider, you mothergrub-dammned shitstain on a public load gaper."

"Maaaan, that was weak even for you. Seriously, though. I'm hearing metal clanging? What even are you doing. 'Cause if that's you trying to make music I really think you need some serious fucking help, stat."

"Nothing!! Give me a sec, will you?"

"Holy shit, dude, are you sick? That's why you sound so weird, isn't it. I'm coming in. Troll germs ain't got nothing on this godtier bod.."

"NO, DAVE DON'T C-"

"What the _fuck_ were you even doing in here? You look like you were just in a particularly heated wrestling match with a...bucket...while wrapped in a blanket like a cape? Haha, were you re-enacting a porno scene, dude, oh my god, I _knew_ trolls had bucket kinks."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU WERE THE ONE THAT DECIDED TO BARGE IN, IN THE FIRST PLACE. SPEAKING OF WHICH, HOW DID YOU EVEN GET IN HERE?"

"Oh man, oh man you're turning red that's adorable were you really using a bucket as porn. You gave me your code once, remember? Don't worry, no one else knows the code, it'll just be me and you, I ain't kissin' and tellin'."

"Ughhhhh. Dave. Why are you here. I specifically told you to stay out and you yet you waltz in, do you not hear a single thing I say?"

"Can Town date today, remember? Did troll casanova Karkat Vantas actually forget a date? Fuckin incredible, I'm immortalizing this moment. Also you sounded really weird and I was wondering if you were feeling okay?"

"OH, SHIT, sorry. I lost track of time because guess what, not everyone has a clock in their head like you, Dave. What the fuck do you mean I sound weird, I'm perfectly normal, maybe it's _your_ aural shells that need to be checked, considering how loudly you're always blasting your goddamn mixtapes or whate-"

"DUDE IS THAT BLOOD?! ARE YOU BLEEDING, SHIT SHITSHIT-"

"DAVE WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, STEP AWAY FROM THAT AND CEASE JABBING ME WITH YOUR POKE FRONDS. I'm not bleeding, that's just. Uh. Genetic material. Not blood."

"Fuck, give me a moment. That's...a lot? You really weren't kidding about the bucketfuls of jizz, were you. Shit, is this why you didn't want me to come in. You were totally yankin' the crank, weren't ya, polishing the sword, choking the chicke-"

"STOP. Stop with those weird-ass human metaphors that don't even fucking apply here, and keep in mind that you were the one that decided to insert yourself into my respiteblock uninvited."

"...um."

"What?"

 

"To quote you, 'that don't even apply here'?"

"Yeah? _Aliens_ , Dave."

"Woah."

"If you're done standing there and staring as realization crashes into your feeble human thinkpan, you're welcome to fucking leave. I've got a full genetic bladder right now and it's starting to ache, so I'd like to take of that _sometime within the next decade, Dave_."

 

"Wait, wait. How do you get blue balls when you've already done...that?"

"I...woke up like that. Barely started. Why are we having this conversation."

"So _that's _why you have the blanket cape. I feel like I'm still missing something here, though. You haven't gotten off?!"__

__"Yeah, sure. Scream it for everyone to hear, why don't you. Dave, hey, what are you- mmmphh, ah, okay, what was that for?"_ _

__"Sorry. You're kinda really hot right now, I just wanted to do that before I left you alone to do whatev-mmmm, fuck. You’re aggressive today.”_ _

__“No, I’m frustrated, that’s what I am. Guess what, it’s not everyday your annoying but way too attractive matesprit appears right the fucking out of nowhere while you’re tangling with yourself, okay?”_ _

__“Tangling. What. Wait, is this where you say ‘you’ll see’? Just like something straight out of some shitty porno?”_ _

__“Shut up and kiss me. You’re killing the mood.”_ _

__“Hold up. Not that I’m objecting to a xenophiliac’s session of you show me yours, I’ll show you mine, but this is the perfect opportunity.”_ _

__“For what?”_ _

__“Say something dramatic and drop your blanket cape!”_ _

__“No.”_ _

__“Whoa! ...pfft, haha, dude. You brutally shoot down my suggestion of dramatically removing your cape, and then you fling it off yourself and tackle me? Laaameee-”_ _

__(And then they frick-fracked like no tomorrow.)_ _

**Author's Note:**

> I might add another smut chapter but tbh it feels like I'm writing a porno script considering the minimal plot, heh. (comment if you want to see my utter train wreck of writing)


End file.
